
Damn!! So much for “posting often” and “holding myself accountable.” Sorry, y'all - January came in like a wrecking ball, and writing fell to the wayside. People often tell me I live ten lives in the span of one, and honestly, they’re not wrong. So, to the however-many-people who read this blog (if any), I apologize for the silence. But maybe this post will help clarify it.
The truth is, I couldn’t bring myself to write. I started and abandoned seven drafts about kindness – my intended focus for January in my year-long exploration of love. But each one felt forced, hollow, or just plain bad.
Why? Because the start of 2025 hit me like a truck.
From Abundant Love to Abrupt Loss
I ended 2024 on a high. I felt full – of love for new friends, for a new person who added a lot of value to my life and made me feel like I could dance on clouds, and for myself – a capable, brilliant bitch who can do absolutely anything. I was ready for the changes that would come when I left Japan on January 9th, but I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be to leave a country I spent most of the year hating.
Why? Because in leaving, I lost a lot of my new-found love. The new person decided I wasn’t worth the distance. My new friends faded from view. My joy in new projects died. And just like that, I was alone again – an unemployed nomad wandering the world, waiting for a sign to point to my next plan.
So, I resolved that love isn't f*cking real. After all, we made it up, right? Love didn’t exist until humans decided it did. And let’s be real - how often do we say “love” when we actually mean addiction, attachment, or fear?
I felt so stupid for dedicating an entire year to exploring something as messy and unreliable as love. I even started to believe in the curse someone laid on me when I was 25: “No one will ever love you again.” Coincidentally, this was said to me by the person who should have loved me the most.
So, my current relationship with love is complicated, to say the least. But it doesn’t mean I’m left completely without hope...I think.
Kindness: The First Pillar
I decided to pivot. Love felt too big and too painful. So, I focused on kindness – the first pillar of my love experiment this year. Because if love is real, surely kindness is its foundation.
And where better to test that theory than New York City, a place that delivers lessons in the strangest ways? NYC is a comedic genius. She doesn’t coddle you; she slaps you with your struggles and dares you to grow. She’s tough love personified, wrapped in loud noises, inexplicable "city juice," and tormenting subway delays.
One day, I was on the A train lugging two MASSIVE bags filled with clothes I was trying to sell. I sat down but then noticed a man with a walker. I got up so that he could take my seat. He looked at me with judgment. “Sit yo ass down, bag lady!” he barked. Okay. cool.
Another day, I was at an audition. I sang my first song. “Great, do you have a ballad?” they asked. I flipped through the titles in my songbook, finally approaching one I was trying to avoid. “Um…I have I Can’t Make You Love Me?” I offered. “Yes, let’s hear that one, perfect!”
Ughhhhhh. F*cking overkill. But apparently pain makes great art because it got me a callback.
And then there were numerous moments when the city really showed her magic and surrounded me with kindness. While carrying two massive suitcases down the subway stairs, a stranger immediately came to my rescue. “Ma’am, please, let me,” he insisted. I thanked him profusely and tried to pay for his subway fare. “No way!” he laughed. “You take care and have a nice trip.” Goddamnit, I love NYC.
And through it all, there was my rock – one of my best friends who housed me and fed me for the 4 days that I was there. Despite all that she’s been through and all of the chaos she constantly deals with, she’s a woman who embodies kindness in everything she does. She loves me unconditionally, grounds me when I feel unmoored, reminds me that I belong, and inspires me to show kindness to others.
But what is kindness, really?
Kindness...WTF Is It??
The dictionary says kindness is “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.” But I think that definition is garbage. Here’s why:
“The quality of being friendly”: Friendliness is surface-level. That’s like people downgrading “kindness” to “niceness” – which I think is utter bullsh*t, because “nice” is fake. It’s polite smiles and small talk. But kindness is genuine and deeper – it’s about meeting people where they are and offering what they truly need.
“The quality of being generous”: Generosity is part of kindness, sure. But generosity can be self-serving, making the giver deem themselves more important than the receiver. True kindness isn’t about self-gratification.
“The quality of being considerate”: THIS, my beauties, is the heart of it, and the only necessary verbiage in this bullsh*t definition. Kindness requires empathy – stepping out of your own perspective and into someone else’s. It’s not about giving what you would want; it’s about giving what they need.
Mourning But Moving
January was hard, and I didn't know how or who to explain it to. I felt lonely, betrayed, and once again, unworthy of love. I was grieving – grieving the loss of a connection I thought would bloom into something beautiful. Grieving the camaraderie that once made me feel whole. Grieving the hope I had poured into a future that no longer existed.
So, I tried to utilize my pain towards something proactive and to be even kinder. It mostly came in small, humble acts without recognition, which I believe are the strongest forms of kindness – and they did feel good, even if my heart was still in a knot. Sometimes they felt like the only things keeping me afloat.
I then traveled to Rome, a city brimming with beauty and romance, and tried to lose myself in exploration – a method that normally helps me greatly when I’m in a funk. I met people who showed me kindness: the yoga studio receptionist who taught me some Italian words, the lawyers who gave me endless recommendations, and a mysterious hedonist who lifted me up (literally and figuratively) and treated me like a queen when I needed it most.
But I was still broken. Rome is an incredible city - but everything reminded me of someone who I found myself missing a lot. Then, every act of kindness I gave felt like it might shatter me. Not because I didn’t want to be kind, but because every time I showed kindness, it was a reminder that I don’t think I believe in love. While kindness felt like the right thing to do, I wasn’t sure what the point was anymore.
Healing By Kindness
On my last day in Rome, I took a class about releasing attachments to preconceived notions and judgments. There, I met a woman who, despite the language barrier, shared my frustrations: loneliness, stagnation, and the ache of feeling unseen.
I didn’t share my own struggles that day. Instead, I gave her the space to express hers. Maybe that was the kindest thing I could do. And for the first time all month, I felt a little lighter.
Now I’m in Greece - my corner of the world that holds me and heals me when I need it. I'm now in Lesvos, spending time with my grandparents. My grandmother, the epitome of love and kindness, has reminded me of what it means to give without expecting anything in return. Despite everything she’s endured – criticism, disrespect, even cruelty – she still chooses love every time. Her kindness has been my anchor this week. She cooked for me, held me while I cried, and reminded me of my strength. She would make anyone believe in love. I feel like I’m healing. And certainly grateful.
The Cliffhanger...
So, maybe it's romantic love that isn’t real. Maybe it’s just a mask for our fear of being alone. Or maybe it’s capitalism in disguise. But maybe kindness is the real thing. Because you can offer kindness to anyone, any time. It doesn’t have to be lavish, and no one has to know it was you. And it’s so unbelievably easy to be kind – as long as you don’t expect anything in return.
And then, just when I thought I had it figured out, a handsome stranger in a cozy bar in Lesvos shifted my perspective…
(To be continued…stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow.)
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